It has been a long time since I peered into my heart and face it truthfully.. I have been hiding my feelings to myself all along i guess.. cos i'm scared. I fear that leting out my emotions will only cause me to become weak again.. I have been trying to portray a strong image infront of others and show that i can live independantly n that I do not need any shelter or protection from others.. I thought that I have transformed into what I wanted myself to be..

But just ytd, i realised I am wrong.. I am not at all strong nor independant.. I have been able to walk the path alone strongly becos he has always been by my side mentally.. The assurance he gave me that I can go to him if I have any problem touches my heart n I have relied on him all these while.. He has also been there for me thru my lonely period.. But now that I know that he'll be going away for 8mths just shattered my pillar of support.. Sigh!!! Is it relying on him for support or is it Love?? Seriously I can't differentiate between the 2 too.. I am so afraid that I have fallen in love with him subconsciously.. His 8 mths departure just seems like a wake up call to me telling me that I have been over reliance on him for company.. IS it only his company that I miss?? Or have I fallen for him?? SIgh.. I am so scared to face my inner core.. I have no courage to tell him how I feel abt him as well cos i know.. I am not that lucky.. He wouldn't have felt the same way as I do.. N it's just impossible for us to be together I guess.. cos I have done too much things to cause out distance to widen..

Firstly, I am the one who wanted to stop our relationship 3-4 mths ago n complained that his pace is too fast for me.. secondly, I used his innocent friends as a test on him and turned everything into a disaster I have never expected. Ever since then, I dare not do anything anymore cos I feel that the more I do, the worser things will get.. I am the one who screwed up things between us..

Anyway, he's away now.. i guess i should just take this chance to concentrate on my studies and not think about anything at all..